Thus spake Cazimir-Z:

Ten commandments for the true guitarist

Eschew ye the temptations of the pedalboard, for it is a heinous device. Filled with its multitude of cheap effects, it will consume ye like a plague and lead ye from the one true path. Embrace instead the purity that is guitar+amp+soul and ye will be amply rewarded. {This is the first commandment}

Pitieth the poor Gibson owner, for he is a troglodyte and knoweth not the error of his ways. In worshipping the false god Gibson, he will have made himself poor, both in spirit and in pocket. His poverty will cause him to be malnourished – behold, his body is a sea of boils and bleeding pustules. Even though the error of his ways slappeth him in the face, still he does not see the light, such is the blindness of the truly ignorant. {This is the second commandment}

Banish ye the evil that is the solid state amp. Nurture instead the sound born of the tube (known to those who dwell in the land of Marshall as the ‘valve’) and the sweetness of its sound will be as that of honey; its smoothness will be as that of milk and its tone as golden as a summer’s sunset. {This is the third commandment}

Be not bedazzled by those whose notes fly out like flies buzzing around the excrement of the camel, for their speed belies a soul that is wanting and a tone as impoverished as a dried and leafless bush, shrivelled in the desert wind. {This is the fourth commandment}

Resist ye the pretty temptation of the devil’s twins – keyboard and MIDI – for they are an evil alliance. They offer an easy satisfaction but ye are entering the realms of mood music and will surely Burn in Hell! {This is the fifth commandment}

Covet not thy neighbour’s Marshall for he hath in his CD collection that abomination “The best of Abba” and he is surely damned. He hath the hands of a gorilla and the brain of a termite. He will not progress beyond first position Amaj Gmaj Dmaj. The heaven of the seventh will be as out of reach to him as are the stars in the night sky, and in good time he will selleth the Marshall to ye for a pittance, such is the good grace that befalls those who follow the one true path. {This is the sixth commandment}

Do not succumb to those who preach worship at the temple of the sample, for it is an empty place, a “music” by the un-hearing, for the un-hearing. it can only be enjoyed by those whose brains are as beetroot stored in brine. {This is the seventh commandment}

Always bear forth that your sound is genuine – readeth not the ‘play in a day’ blasphemy, but instead find thine own sound and remember the prophet Django who, despite having only two fingers on his fretboard hand, delivereth licks of a kind never before encountered by the ear of man. {This is the eighth commandment}

Take joy in thy amplification – turneth up the volume to the proverbial 11 out of 10 and sticketh thy head in the speaker box and ye will reach Nirvana. {This is the ninth commandment}

Always give reverence to the Great Leo – creator of the “Caster of the Strat”, “Caster of the Tele”, “the Bass which is Precise”, and “the Bass of the Jazz-head” his creations are wondrous to behold – fabulous gifts to us mere mortals. {This is the tenth commandment}

© Copyright Cazimir-Z, 2017. All rights reserved


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